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02 September 2005 @ 02:50 pm
You'd think the penn was somekind of fucking social ground, maybe everyone else around here liked to exchange their bitches for smokes but not me. I didn't have a bitch and I didn't fucking want one. I wanted out, I needed to be doing something, something other than fucking sitting around a cell block half the day watching whatever fucking soap opera their playing and playing cards with Bertha or Joy.

I felt like I was crawling out of my goddamn skin and it was going to kill me. That or I was going to take the next bitches head off to said something to me. I'd been trying to work it all off in the gym, but it only seemed to fuel my fire up just a little bit more and fuck if that helped. I tried imagining I was fighting some nasty ass vamp, imagine I was doing that whole fucking sacred duty thing but a punching bag doesn't fight back.

I about decked the gaurd when she came up behind me while I was working on some of my moves in the court yard, she pulled out one of those fucking baton things and gave me a look. Fucking gaurds will do anything to have one of us fight back, then they can beat the shit out of us without worrying about the fucking consequences and hell if they all didn't want a piece of me. I'm a popular kind of girl.

Still she eyed me and told me I had a visitor. It didn't seem right that Wes would be coming to see me and it had been so long since I sent Angel that letter I was betting he didn't even get it, which was just as well, me and sappy heartfelt letters don't really go hand in hand. I was wicked confused but let her cuff me up anyway. I was even more surprised when I was uncuffed and thrown into one of those congical visit rooms. Cause who the hell is wanting a congical visit with me? Not that I'm minding, but hey whatever; it got the cuffs off me and if someone wanted a piece of my ass maybe I'd consider giving it too them.

Course when Angel walked in I about shit my pants. Obviously not so much a congical visit unless I'm looking at the infamous Angelus and I'm betting I woulda gotten word from Wes or someone if that happened, unless the shit head killed them all.

I eyed him warily waiting for him to say something, I'm betting he pulled those damn strings like the devil to get it where I wasn't cuffed and we didn't have a big mountain of plastic glass between us. Which hey grateful and all but what the fuck is he doing here?

"So you gonna say something or you going to stare at me all day? I hear they only let these rooms out for a couple of hours at a time and I'm betting you didn't come here for a roll in the sack."
02 August 2005 @ 07:27 pm
I couldn't stay, I just couldn't. It didn't matter if we'd just gotten back to L.A. from Pylea or that we now had a new member to take care of now that we were back. It didn't matter that Cordelia and Wesley tried to say that they were sorry and I just needed to deal with the pain. It didn't matter. She was dead and that's all that mattered - that and how I needed to get away, far away. Gunn told me to go to Vegas, but I doubt that drowning grief in liquor would solve anything.

No, I needed to get away. Have some peace away from this damn city and everything that constantly reminded me of her. Not that I actually needed any specific reminders to see her face when I was asleep or awake. So, where did I go? Tibet. Lorne new of this monastery in Tibet where I could 'reflect' and be alone. I think I overheard Wesley call it my 'spiritual retreat'. It probably wasn't necessary to go all the way to Tibet to do so, but I guess the further away the better right?

Even after being there for over a month, I still couldn't get her out of my head. I'd see her in my dreams. It was always one of two dreams. The first was when I thought I'd wake up and see her smiling back at me at the end of my bed, er.. mat. She'd smile, sit next to me and gently brush her hand over my cheek. I'd open my mouth to speak, but she'd stop me by putting a finger over my lips and a soft, quiet "Shh.." would be the only thing she'd say. She'd smile again and then lean down to kiss me, wrapping her arms around my neck as tight as she could manage. When she pulls back, she looks at me that way again, brushes a tear away from my cheek with her thumb and says it's okay. She didn't blame me she was okay, more than okay. After kissing me once more, she'd always do the exact same thing every time. Brushing away another tear, she kisses my cheek. Placing a hand on my chest, she tilts her head to the side and smiles like I've only ever seen her smile. "I love you." It's always the same. She tells me those precious words and a sob catches in my throat. "Don't." is what she says next when I open my mouth to question her. The how she's here with me and how sorry I am that I couldn't save her. Then she turns back the sheets, slides herself next to me and wraps my arm around her small frame. "We have all the time in the world."

It's the same every time and like every time.. I wake up.

The second dream, the more frequent of the two, is much different. There are no 'I love yous' and quiet moments. At first there's a large tower with fighting going on all around me. There's screaming coming from somewhere and when I look up I see Dawn standing at the very edge of the scaffold. Frantically, I search around for Buffy and try to find where she is. When I finally see her she's climbing the tower, but only to be hindered by the very person she's trying to stop. A sudden realization hits me and I already know how this ends. Buffy jumps off the tower to save her sister and everyone else in the world and she's gone forever. Somehow, I'm able to run after the two of them without anyone noticing me or keeping me from climbing the tower. The scene flashes forward all of a sudden and I'm standing on top of the tower watching Buffy and Dawn. I try calling out to her, to let her know I'm here and that we can change the way this is going to end. But she doesn't hear me or see me. A barrier keeps me from getting any closer to the two of them, but I keep yelling at her. Begging her to stop and come down off the tower. Then it happens. The barrier somehow disappears and she looks up at me. Anger and tears fill her eyes and she glares back at me. I'm speechless now and just stare back into those cold eyes. "You never came! I died and you never came! How could you not know? Why didn't you come earlier when I could've used your help? Why didn't you come? Why didn't you save me?!?" I open my mouth to tell her I'm sorry, to tell her something, but the scene changes again and I see her running towards the edge of the tower and leaping off of it. A cry explodes from my lips and I try to run after her, but it's too late. She's dead. She died and I couldn't.. didn't do a damn thing to stop it.

It's the same every time and like every time.. I wake up.

At first, the dreams came at least once a night. But lately they've seemed to lessen yet just when I think I've stopped having them they haunt me night after night again. Weeks go by and I started to wonder by in the hell I came here in the first place. What good is this place doing me when all I think about is how come I couldn't save her and why did I leave her to begin with.

The day was going by about the same. I'd concentrate for hours at a time in my room, practice tai chi, and read. Sometimes I'd even write down my thoughts on paper, but they'd always end up as a crumpled piece of paper on the floor. But this day was different. There was a hesitant knock at the door and one of the monks walked in quietly. Normally I'd be upset, but all he did was walk over to me, bow, and hand me an envelope. When he left, I looked at the envelope and frowned. Opening it, I scanned the words quickly. Sighing, I sat down on the bed and started from the beginning again.

After I read the letter slowly and multiple times, I folded it back up and leaned my head back against the wall. I closed my eyes and felt a tear or two fall down my cheek. The words hit me hard and unexpectedly so. Sighing uneededly, I stuffed the letter back in its envelope and stood. I began picking up my things and packing them back into the single bag I'd brought with me. I'd had enough 'reflection' and 'quiet time' to last a lifetime or two. Quiet time that actually wasn't really all too quiet. I needed to get out of here and back to L.A. and face what I'd been running from these weeks.

I had an overdue visit to a slayer.
Current Mood: indescribable
02 August 2005 @ 04:26 pm
It's not the kinda thing a girl like me does, I don't really write out my feelings, I'm not up for share and grow time, but I owe him and I owe her. Fuck, B's dead, how does shit like that happen? I know how it happens, you get careless, you jump off a fucking tower to save the world, but me? I wouldn't have done it, maybe that's why I'm in here and B's in the ground.


So I know your not at the Hyperion, Wes said you were out of the country somewhere which is wicked cool I guess, if you like that kind of thing. Jail's, well do you want me to lie? Jail sucks, the bitches here think they want a piece of me, you know they don't, but don't worry A I'm keeping myself in check, only using enough force to keep me alive in the joint.

Enough with the fucking small talk, it never worked for me before and it doesn't now either, specially when I'm talking to myself, or this damn piece of paper. I'm not subtle, you know that probably better than anyone.

I felt her die. It felt like something ripped me in half, I just knew, I know B and I were never close in fact to say we hated each other was a fucking understatement, but she was my sister slayer and I felt the life drain out of her. I was laying there in my bunk and then I was screaming and they drugged me the fuck up to keep me quiet, locked me in containment or some shit for three days.

Wes came to see me after you left town, said Buffy was dead, she sacrificed herself to save the world and that bratty kid sister of hers. She jumped off a fucking tower like the damn saintly martyr she was born to be. What the fuck was her problem? Didn't she know people needed her? Didn't she fucking know that I was going to be all the damn world had left and I can't take that shit! She should have known, she should know that everyone would feel like less of a person without Buffy fucking Summers in the world, but she didn't did she? She just never knew how much she meant.

I didn't hate her, not really, but I'm betting you knew that. You probably know how it is to love and hate that girl don't you? Guess I'm no different than the rest of the world.

She wrote me, did I ever tell you that? I about pissed my pants when the first one got delivered to my cell. It was at the beginning of her school year, like August? Dracula had visited her, he'd heard about her, can you believe that shit? She was all proud that Dracula of all people had heard of her, she just didn't know ya know? She said she was still pissed off at me, still with soilder boy but that was the last time she mentioned the boy. I'm guessing she didn't like to think about the inicindent with me and her toy.

Did she ever tell you about that? I stole her body, the boss - the mayor gave me this thing, used it and there I was in B's body, I'm betting your jealous aren't you? Don't even try to play like you don't still love her. We both know she was it for you, but I took her body and slept with her boy. He looked in her eyes and the fucker couldn't even see that it was me looking back at him. He cared about her though ya know? I don't know if that makes you feel any better, but he cared.

The letters kept coming and I never had the balls to write her back, to apologize for all the bad shit I did to her. To tell her that I loved her ask much as I fucking hated her. She had everything ya know? She had the family, the friends, you, she was this master slayer and what the fuck was I? I let it get to me instead of really looking at the shit she had to deal with, maybe I didn't get it until I started to get her letters, but she was alone Angel. She was surrounded by people everyday, good people, people who loved her but still she was so alone.

And You are a fucking idiot for ever leaving her, but you know that already don't you?

The last two letters I got from her she was flipping out, that goddess bitch Glory wanted Dawn and she didn't know what the fuck she was going to do. Said she didn't even know if she'd make it through this. She was scared, never thought I'd see the day when that girl was scared. Really scared, I shoved it off because she's on this pedastal you know? She's like the slayer they'll write books about and I thought she could handle it. I didn't want one of those fucking 'if your reading this' letters but I got one.

Maybe she had some sort of misplaced trust in me, but I got one of those damn things. She said it was the only one she wrote. I guess she didn't want to hurt you, but fuck if I'm not going to tell you what she said. Only that's something that's gonna be in person if you ever get your ass back to the country and come visit me. It doesn't seem right to throw out her thoughts where some prick ass gaurd is going to read it before stamping on one of those fucking 'originated from LA County Correctional facility' on it.

She's better than that. I'm better than that and I'm better than this. Is this my redemption? Is sitting here on my ass with everything handed to me, living just like I did in Boston having to watch my back and not making one fucking bit of difference, is this what my redemption is?

I never got to tell her, I was too fucking scared to tell her I was sorry, afraid she laugh at me. Maybe that's why I'm telling you this shit, cause your the closest I'm going to get to her. And don't even start on about Red or the brat, cause fucking hell Angel you are the closest thing to B and you know it and that's why you left the fucking country. It's like if I tell you, somehow she'll know, maybe that's fucked up and stupid but it's all I got and I'm kinda lost.

I think I'm more lost now than when I first came after you. The line runs through me now, is the fucking council going to keep sending assasins after me forever? Just to get their new slayer? Is that my destiny now? To fucking rot till they manage to get rid of me? I'm not doing anything, I'm not fighting the good fight, I'm talking to a fucking shrink for hours and waving off advances to get my very own bitch in here. I can't stand it, it's like I'm crawling out of my fucking skin and it's wicked hard to even see where the line is.

Would she really want this? She said she wrote to me cause I was the only one who understood, after they did some mojo and envoked the first slayer she needed someone to know, to see what she saw and maybe I am. Maybe I'm the only one who ever got that part of her, cause even you, you never saw the dark, it's there you know.

Can't say I'm liking this whole bare my soul on paper to the only vampire whose got a soul himself, but you saved me ya know? I owe you, weither you think I do or not I do.

I'm tired of this share and grow shit, but I had to write you.

Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated